It's been 4 years

4 Years!

Wow...

It kind of snuck up on me. Dark and subtle. I laid in bed last night, marveling at the fact that 4 years has passed and I pondered what exactly I would like to write. Each year, I feel a need to remind people of my mother. To make sure she's not forgotten. It's a promise that I made to her...

4 Years ago tonight I walked slowly up the stairs to my mom's room, knowing it was probably her last night on earth. I was determined to be with her as she took her last breathe. I removed the nasal canula that gave her added oxygen, and put my head against her chest even when I knew there was no heartbeat. 

I dont ponder on those last moments very often. It's kind of like pulling the scab (sorry Kristen) off of a wound that's almost healed. Except that it's not. It might not ever be. I"m okay with that. If it ever truly healed, then I would be at a place where it feels normal to exist in a world that my mom does not. And I dont ever want to be "ok" with that. 

I had grandiose plans of listing all the things that her life (and death) taught me. The things that I swore I would do, or not do. Things that would become important.  Things like the values of alternative medicine, organic foods (FYI...she told us those things would make headlines one day, and they are!), making a will, being so much more empathetic to the families I work with, realizing that the medical world doesnt know it all, slowing down, forgiving people, to raise more money for Camp CARE, to keep my dad and brother on the right track,  living the "right" way, hugging tight, reminding Buck and Hollister about her...... The list goes on and on. I had planned to lay out my failings in these areas and how her the anniversary of her death should be a reminder of all the ways I SHOULD or COULD be living my life. 

You see....when someone dies, we want to make sense of their death (and their life). To know that they had PURPOSE.  At first, everyone is on board. I still read and re-read the emails that people sent me right after she died.. about what an inspiration that mom was to them. I love to know that she made a difference. It makes missing her so much easier. 

But then, as time goes by, we may make some changes, but we still wind up getting caught up in the rat race that is our lives. It happens to everyone. I'm just as much at fault. The details of our every day life seem to just take over. It is often hard to remember what it was like to be RIGHT THERE in the middle of her illness. To exist day to day without knowing what the future held. It was awful.

And exhilerating at the same time. I've never relied on God so much. I miss that..

So that's what I started thinking about today. 

Several stories have unfolded over the past few days. Stories of other people who have touched lives, just like mom did. 

Today would have been the 3rd birthday of an incredible little girl that I knew at the hospital.  She was extra special because she was so close to Hollister's age. The day I met her was the first time, that I could see HIM in that hospital bed, could feel just a portion of the pain that her parents felt. I had the honor of working the last day she ever came into the hospital as well, and seeing what an amazing testimony her family is to faith. 

Another little girl lost her battle with cancer today. I didnt know her, but reading her parents blog about her faith over the past week was incredible. 

And then on top of it, are these 2 stories that have captivated me in recent weeks. 

Another former patient posted this blog a while back. 

www.hishandshisfeettoday.blogspot.com

This family has 11 children-all adopted, from all over the world. I have loved following their story and seeing how they integrate Jesus into the every day lives of their 11 children. 

Just a few short months ago, they adopted a little girl who was born with no brain. Her name is Selah. She was given up by her birth family and this family took her in. Regardless of her condition, they wanted her to feel love, they wanted her to be a part of family and feel Christ's love-despite the fact that her condition is terminal. 

Selah will probably not live much longer, but if you read her story-you will see how many lives that her incredibly short one has touched. How many people have come to Jesus because of her and because of her adopted family. 

THAT"S FAITH. Thats a life worth sharing. 

And then there is this blog:

Www.cometoofar.com

Wow...this one has touched me. 

The story goes like this-Chad is a 37 year old man suffering from an incurable liver disease. His younger brother Ryan offered to donate over half of his liver to Chad, so that we would live. 

Unfortunately, Ryan (the donor) went into cardiac arrest shortly after his surgery and died. 

This in incredibly rare. The chances of this happening were minute. But yet, Chad is now living-recovering..and his brother (a father of 3 little boys) is gone. 

How I have mourned for this family that I have never met. And yet, I have been following Chad's recovery and the faith that he is showing as he moves on with his life is just awe inspiring. 

I wont deny that I have wanted to just plagiarize his words this week. When I thought about what I wanted to put on here, I immediately remembered something the wrote the other day about a CD that he has been listening to regarding heaven. 

He stated that he was worried that he had had his last conversation with Ryan-that his brother would not know him when they once again see each other. And the words that he took from this CD were, "We wont really KNOW someone UNTIL we get to heaven!" 

I love that. To think that as much as I thought I KNEW my mom....

So I wanted to copy much of what he said that day. (if you read his blog, it's the post titled "through a glass dimly"). 

But then he posted again today... and this post was even better. All of the sudden it all makes sense. 

When I look at my mom's life and all the things that I thought I should learn or do or change...none of that is bad. However, the real POINT of her life AND of her death was her love for Christ. It was the one thing that truly did SHINE from her being during those last few months. And I can make all the changes in the world, but again...that is for THIS world. And that's not bad, but thats not what it's all about. I cant change what I have done or havent done...but I can live for today, and I can still share that love of God with others. It's the greatest gift I can give anyone. 

Maybe Chad can say it better. This is something he wrote today. 

"But instead of thinking about the last 6 weeks of my life or the next 30 years, I thought about TODAY. I thought about how I felt TODAY. It's all I can control. I cant do a thing about the past except draw inspiration and wisdom from it. I can plan the future but I should know more than anyone that plans we make are only scribbles on notepads and appointments on a cell phone calendar. Whether or not those plans materialize is not my choosing, but TODAY, I can do something about that. 
And then he quoted this scripture which I love, 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to shaw that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work, but life is at work in you."

2 Corinthians: 4

I just love that. 

So I dont know if this makes any sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that while we are going about the business of our every day lives, worried about whether we will keep our jobs, whether we have enough money in retirement,  whether we are spending enough quality time with our chidlren, whether a friend is mad at us, whether we will ever get pregnant again, there are people out there who are living in these INCREDIBLE situations. Where pain and heartache are consuming much of the time we spend worrying about tomorrow. We go about our days, without ever really realizing the reality that is their lives. 

And yet, these familis are THRIVING...living right there in this moment, showing others exactly what God meant when he sent His son to die for us. He's felt this same pain. HE KNOWS...

And I know that when my mom died 4 years ago, her life touch many people. Just as Selah is doing, and just as Ryan and Chad are doing. Just as my little patient and her family are doing. 

So if I could do anything to honor her memory, it would be to be here and be present TODAY.  And to remind people that this world is not what it's all about. 

Recently a friend thanked me for being an inspiration. For showing her what faith is. And I felt like a fraud, because I've questioned God so much recently. I'm not one who wears my faith on my sleeve for everyone to see. 

But I guess that's what this is all about. Not being so hard on myself. I know my faith is there. It hasnt left me. It just needed some rekindling. 

Thanks mom....

Because just as your faith rekindled my love for God on September 10th, 2006- remembering your death 4 years later has put me right back where I belong. 

Have a wonderful TODAY.

And if you never got to meet my mom, check out this tribute to her. She was pretty special. 

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=95068f9dba56f711333a52&skin_id=1703&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url