Mother's Day

This picture is the last picture that I have of my mom and I together.

It's not an easy picture for me to look at. In fact, for a long time after she died-I could not look at it at all. She had lost so much weight, and when I look at this picture, it just doesnt look the way my mom always looked. Full of life and happiness.

It was also the very last time that mom visited her beloved beach on Galveston Island.

I'd like to say it was a wonderful day. It wasnt. I had to beg her to go. I had made a vow to myself and had made her promise to TRY and get out that day. She didn't want to. At that point, it took so much energy to get her further than the doorway of her bedroom.

However, she rallied that evening. I packed up all her "gear" and off we went.

She did it for me. Because she knew that I needed to see her trying. Needed to know she wasnt giving up just yet. It was windy that day. The wind was bothering her and made her feel like her oxygen tank wasnt working properly. I kept assuring her that she was just fine. Then later, when we got back to the house, I felt awful when she truly did run out of oxygen. She started to panic as I frantically tried to switch out portable tanks.

That's what I've always remembered when I looked at this picture.

But recently, I looked at it again. And I remembered something else. I remembered the nice lady that walked by and offered to take our picture together, and I remembered as I crouched down next to her-that she put her hand under my chin. Such a "mom" thing to do. If I know one thing, it's that she was proud of me. That gesture spoke volumes.  I was always resisting her big hugs. She was always telling me to "hug tight" and doing things that bugged me, like putting her hand under my chin. But I knew that she would always do them anyway.


Like this picture...Taken a year before the one above....

There she is again. Faced smashed up next to mine. I remember right here, she was whispering, "I love you Baby. I'm so proud of you." And I was thinking, "Oh that's sweet. Sounds just like mom. NOW, I wish we were DONE with all these pictures." That's just the way we were. She was always pushing.....in her big affectionate way, and I was always rolling my eyes. I'd feel bad about it, but she knew just who I was. And accepted me. But she pushed anyway... 

So I smile when I see the picture on the beach  now.  I think of how hard she made the effort for me. I think about how, just for a few moments, she closed her eyes and soaked in the sound of the ocean. How I got to be a part of that.  I'm grateful. Grateful for that moment, when I didnt feel like the mom. For months I had been taking care of her and our roles had reversed. But for just that one moment, she was the mom. That one familiar gesture was completely and totally "her!"

And I know how incredibly lucky I was to have her as my mom.

I remember the first Mother's Day after she died. I felt so lost. I was 8 months pregnant and highly emotional. I walked the Mother's Day card aisle, not knowing quite what to do. I wasnt yet a mother, but had no mother to buy a card for.

But now I think about this.....(Today-Mother's Day 2010)

And I know how incredibly lucky I still am. 

I was chosen to be the mother of this spectacular little person. (and yes, that IS his smile these days). 

And I had an incredible role model. 

I can only hope and pray that he will have just as many little moments and gestures with me in his lifetime. Ones that he will always remember, and say-That is MY MOM!

Happy Mother's Day.