And so it begins...

As you will see below, I really began this blog a while back. Over the past 6 months, there have been many moments where I truly wanted to dive into this blog, but as most of you know, life just keeps on truckin' and so many things get left undone.

Today seemed like the perfect day to begin. As I said in the first post below, it just gets so confusing. Trying to update my mom's site, Hollister's site, posting on Facebook. My life feels scattered, in a million different places.

Well, today-all of those places coincided, in one big crazy and momentual morning.

It's April 9th. To many of you, that day wont be significant. It's my mom's birthday. Growing up in my house, birthdays were a huge deal. My husband and I go round and round on this one. He feels that you shouldnt have just one day to make people feel special and that holidays and birthdays are overrated. I disagree....sort of! While in theory, it makes sense, I just think that in the craziness of life, we often DONT take the time throughout the year to recognize those that are important to us. So if an important date like our birthday or a holiday comes around and it makes us stop for a moment to pick out a card or to pick up the phone, then how can that be a bad thing?

So my mom made a big deal out of birthdays. I grew up anticipating my big day (or week..since my birthday tends to go on and on-according to me anyway) for weeks and weeks ahead of time. I could go on and on about how my mom made birthdays so special, but that could take up this entire post and I am on borrowed naptime right now. So I'll talk about that later...

Let's just say that even though my mom is no longer here, I can't fathom the thought of not making a big deal out of her birthday. The first birthday after she died, Dan and a handful of my closest friends threw a fabulous party in her honor. I have tried to do something like that each year since then.

Today wasn't just my mom's birthday. It was also the day that I was convinced that I would find out I was pregnant again. Some of you know, and many of you dont-that we have been struggling with secondary infertility for over a year now. I don't use the word "struggling" loosely. I battle God on this daily, wondering how is it that Hollister could be conceived so effortlessly (and so unplanned) and this one is not...I'll spare you the details (add that to a list of things I am planning to blog about), but let's just say that the "struggle" is a daily thing. I struggle with WHY? I struggle with what treatment to do next, whether to do a treatment at all, who to tell, how to pray. I struggle with the fact that over 30 friends have gotten pregnant in the time that we've been trying, I struggle with people who say, "Well, at least you have Hollister!" (Dont get me started on that one today...). I struggle with how to move forward and repeatedly go back to that word WHY....Why Me? Why Us? Why Not?

So anyway, today was the day I was going to test. Hollister was conceived, quite by accident just a week after my mom's memorial service. What a crazy and unexpected gift he was. I cant tell you how many times people said that he was a gift from God and a gift from my mom. Right when I needed him. So in my head...I just knew this was the month. What better time to find out I was pregnant than on my mom's birthday.

Well folks, it just wasnt in the cards. Negative... That's what I get for projecting ahead...Not living in the moment.

I had planned a "date" with my precious son, regardless of how the test turned out. A day to have fun and to celebrate my mom's birthday. So after I had concluded that this was not in fact "our lucky month", we set about our fun filled day. It started with cupcakes. These fabulous, incredible cupcakes that they sell at Discovery Place (of all places).  I managed to snag a few while we were there yesterday and kept them hidden from Holl until this morning. We are pretty picky about what he eats, so "cake" of any kind sends him over the edge. His excitement at the sight of icing is something everyone should get to experience at least once. It is a sight to see.

So we had cupcakes for breakfast and Hollister sang his version of Happy Birthday to Sunny. (The name we have given my mom). He kissed her picture as he sang, and then proceeded to blow out the candles for her and eat all of his cupcake and most of mine too, in about 2 minutes. No kidding. Then he proceeded to run around the house in a sugar induced frenzy for the next 20 minutes.

It was about this time that my friend Jennifer called me. Now, I have a lot of good girlfriends. I am so blessed that way. (again...another post for another time), but Jennifer can often see things within me that I  dont see myself. And she's not afraid to say it like it is. Most of all, I appreciate that she "gets" me when it comes to dates. I remember dates. It's kind of annoying...to me and to other people. An example of a time where it does not come in handy is on May 20th of each year. On this date, I always tell Dan, "You know...it was on this day in 1988 that I started dating my first "real" boyfriend. You know, the first one I ever kissed. In the backseat of Michael Jenkin's mom's suburban after an 8th grade track meet?" To which Dan always says, "Yes, Amy-I remember. But must you say that each year?"

It's not that I have any long lost pining for my Junior High boyfriend. I just remember dates like that....

Jennifer gets that. Plus she knew that I was testing today. As a mother of 2 who also struggled with infertilty, she gets that too. So she called to let me know that she was "Crashing" our date and was driving her 2 boys across town to join us. I was thrilled. Hollister idolizes her son John these days, so I knew he would be excited.

We started out our morning with a quick haircut at Doolittles-the only place I can take Hollister to get his hair cut because they show kids movies at each station, and he gets a lollipop to distract him  if he holds still. (I should note here tha this is where he also received his second dose of sugar. All before 9:30am). That went well enough, so we moved on over to Target (our "date" days include about 4 different stores in one shopping center) where again, my little angel surprised me by staying in the cart and cheerfully waving and chatting with anyone who walked by.

Jennifer called while we were there, and said that they would meet us at Learning Express. This is a favorite hangout for both Hollister and I. It's a great toy store, where they wrap the presents while you are there (my favorite part). It that has a train table and many other toys that kids can play with while you are shopping. Hollister loves it there. He was babbling on and on about the trains before we ever got out of the car.

And that's when it started....the insanity that was to consume the rest of our morning.

Let me start by saying that Hollister really was the easiest baby. And I felt like we must be the most incredible parents because up until he was 2, he rarely did anything wrong. HA! Actually until just a few months ago, he had never really thrown a tantrum before. I thought for sure (since I was such a wonderful parent) that we had somehow managed to skip through the Terrible 2's.

Again..I'll save those details for another post, but let's just say that the last few months have been "Challenging" to say the least. And while some aspects of this amazing little human's behavior have gotten better, the tantrums have been out in full force.

Jennifer warned me at the door that there was a huge Toy Story 3 display right as you walked in the store. I had promised Hollister a toy today, you know...to celebrate mom's birthday and for doing such a good job thus far. Toy Story is right up on his list of "favorite things" these days, so I knew right off that we would be taking something from that display home with us. What I didnt count on was a 2 year old's inability to understand that "you dont need another Buzz or Woody when you already have one at home" (or two or three). As I tried to redirect him to the Jessie Doll or even a set of Legos that I knew Dan would love (even though it was way too old for Hollister), his argumentative little voice got higher and higher. He was insistent that he needed "Woody" (which is funny, because Buzz is really his favorite). I whould note that this is the second tantrum he has thrown over "Woody", just this week! Anyway, there was no reasoning with him, and within 1 minute, we had a full scale tantrum on our hands. Thank goodness Jennifer has had a challenging toddler as well. I've read all the books, I know you shouldnt worry about what other people say, and how they react to your toddlers...but still...there is something about knowing the mom you are with has been there too.

I scooped him up and headed to the bathroom, thinking this would calm him down. Being away from John for very long was bound to silence him at some point. But Nooooo...

15 minutes later, as I sat on a stool in the bathroom the tantrum continued. As I laid my head on my knees and did what the experts say to do (let him carry on without reacting), I thought to myself..."Why in the world did I Pay $40,000 for a Master's in Child Development?" That degree is null and void at this point.

When the tantrum finally made its way to a normal level, we eased out the door. Knowing that everyone in the store had been listening to my child scream about "Woody" for 20 minutes pretty much removed any dignity that I had at the point. Hollister proceeded to cry to Jennifer (thinking a new audience might be more receptive) about how he needed her to open John's Woody doll as I quickly made our purchases and we headed out the door.

Thank goodness for the big tub of bubbles they have for kids outside. This was the only way I got Hollister out the door. He and John proceeded to throw the bubbles all over the car parked out front and each other until Hollister hit John in the eye with the bubble want (this was actually an accident), and we decided to move on to lunch. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.....

We headed to "Nothing but Noodles" which I have been craving for weeks and by this point, John and Hollister were so riled up, there wasnt much we could do. Oh, I know...we could have been the firm and strict mothers who scooped them up and headed home, but for some reason we decided to let them go ahead and run around and chose instead to sit and remember "The good old days" when we spent hours getting ready to go out at Jennifer's apartment, hiding our mini bottles of Stoli Vanilla in our purses so we could sneak them into the Diet Cokes at the bars we frequented. I think I mentioned at this point, that God probably knew what he was doing by not giving me another child right now.

At some point Jennifer took John to the bathroom because he had had an accident. Not knowing this, I let Hollister follow them in. Did I mention that she was pushing her youngest, Miles in the stroller as well? I sat at the table checking my email and thinking I was doing what was necessary which was watching her purse. Until I noticed her purse wasnt there....she had taken it with her. After about 10 minutes, I decided (Being the good friend that I am) to check on them. When I walked in,  Jennifer was doubled over laughing. Apparently, as she was changing John (who was in tears), Miles started crying and then Hollister got out of the stall, and was running around manically laughing. With both of her kids screaming, she opened the stall door to find my son (who most of you know can scale any object that he deems worthy to climb) perched up on an incredibly tall trash can. It was one of those moments....

We moved on to the outdoor fountain, where the boys threw about 100 pennies into the water while we alternated reminding them not to jump in. They proceed to climb all over the place until we convinced them that we should go and get some ice cream. (note: 3rd dose of sugar) over at Marble Slab. Here are some wonderful pictures from the rest of our adventure:

Whew....I'm getting tired just posting this....I told Jennifer while we were in Marble Slab that I had decided that this experience...this day....had given me the incentive to finally begin posting on this blog. You see....it was such a combination of many of  the big events in my life these days. The infertility, my son's current "stage" in life, my incredible girlfriends, my mom....I saw it a a great way to combine them all into one big fun post.

As a side note, I dont plan for my posts to be this long. If you have made it this far, I'm impressed. While I had such grandiose ideas of describing such an emotion filled day, the review of how it played out will probably never truly impact anyone but Jennifer and I. I know that in order to be a good blogger, you have to say a lot with just a few words, and have just a few meaningful pictures. If that's the case though...I dont think I'll have a great following. If you know me, I am never at a loss for words or pictures. You must really love me to keep reading. :)

But WE....WE will remember the moments that filled our morning. Moments that flew by, in frustration, in anger, in sadness and in laughter. Moments we were truly wishing we were back in our single days...when all we could imagine was that marriage and motherhood would be a million times better than where we were currently at.

Here we are in one of our "finer" moments....Way Back When!

And while I sometimes wish I had lived in THOSE moments a little more,  I am committed to live in these moments as well. Because there is nothing like watching Hollister attempt to kiss John over ice cream and hearing John giggle with laughter-trying to avoid him. And feeling Hollister lay his head in my lap in those few quiet moments after his tantrum and saying "I'm sorry Mommy," and knowing that I have a friend who anticipates my moods before I do. It's moments like this morning, when my husband took the time to pray out loud for my day, Knowing that it would be a hard one for me. And hearing the infertility nurse say, "Let's move on to a new month. Maybe this one will be the lucky one!" And in the back of my mind, hearing my mom....who enjoyed each moment, each day and lived life to the fullest, cheering me on and telling me to quit taking life seriously. It's those moments that I wanted to remember today and is why I felt like it was a great day to start a blog.

So I am off for a quick rest. This one post took up way more energy that I anticipated. My day of celebrating is not quite over yet. Dan and I have a date night tonight...painting pottery. He is by far, the more creative of the 2 of us. So while he is creating something fabulous, I might just enjoy the bottle of wine we are bringing along....

Happy Birthday Mom!