6 years
It seems that this year has been one of the hardest yet. It kind of crept up on me, this difficult year. I think it was a combination of many things. For starters, adding 2 new babies to the mix without my mom here was hard. Is hard.
I think it all started as I laid in bed, recovering from my C-section with Grace, I had moments of sadness and a little bit of drug-induced self-pity. I mean, who does not want their mom there when they are sick? It wasn't for lack of help from others, but it's not the same. I knew that if she was there, she would be worried about ME. She's be worried about me first. Who wouldn't want that?
And it doesn't help that deep down in my heart, I know that if my mom were alive, she would be here. She would have moved here in a heartbeat to help. She would have been thrilled to be a part of our lives and would not have wanted to miss a moment of it. One thing I never doubted was that she wanted to be a part of every moment of my life that I would let her be. And as I've gotten older, I'd like to think that I would have matured enough to appreciate and welcome all that she would have offered us. She was impulsive and loved adventure. Picking up and leaving Texas would have been exciting for her. And I could SO use her help. I love my life, but this year has had it's hard moments for sure. So there are times when all 3 kids are screaming, when I realize I'm still wearing my pajamas at 5pm and my hair hasn't been brushed and I haven't stopped to eat all day, that I take a few moments to "curse" her for skipping out on all of this.
Plus she cleaned better than me. That alone is reason enough to be mad. My house needs cleaning All.The.Time.
And then there's the fact that I realize more and more than most of the big events in my life have happened since she died. I'll forever be grateful that Dan and I decided to get married in the fall instead of the spring, because she would have been really sick by then. The fact that she saw me get married is a huge comfort for sure. But my life now, is so completely different than the one I had before she died. And the more time that goes by, the less of my life she is a part of. When the girls reach a new milestone, I'm sad that she misses it. When Hollister asks me (all the time these days) why my mom died, how she died, did she know him....I'm sad that he does not have memories of her.
It's bittersweet to me that Grace is so like her. The constant cheerful disposition with a bit of temper mixed in. The same expressions, same smile....
It's kind of creepy sometimes. In a weird good way. But a way that makes me miss her even more.
My grandmother fell and broke her arm the other day. She had driven herself to the eye doctor to see about getting a cataract removed and when they left the room, she attemped to get off of a high stool (with her eyes dilated) and fell. I hate that my mom was not here to take her to the appointment and here to take care of her. I hate that my grandmother has to be alone so much. I hate that she hasn't been able to see Grace yet because she can't really travel here alone and I can't really leave things here to take Grace there. Mom loved to drive up and spend time with her and take her places. I know my Gig feels the loss at times like that. My poor uncle has to bare the weight of responsibility for her alone now, and he has had to face so much with his own medical needs this year. I know my mom would have been there to support my aunt during his hospitalization. I know she would have been there to support some of her cousins as they lost both parents this year, and as her entire family suffered from multiple losses. BEING THERE for people was just what she did. Where she thrived. My guilt at not being there myself would be much less if she were here. Another thing to curse her for. (just kidding...)
I'm watching my nephew grow up without a mom. I know that if mom were still alive, he probably wouldn't have struggled so much the past few years. She would have been there to help my dad and brother. Perhaps they would all be here with us now. Because mom liked us all in the same place. I'm pretty sure she would have rounded the troops up and brought them to North Carolina so that Buck could be closer to his other side of the family too.
And then there was dad's 60th birthday trip. Dad and I talked about how if mom would have been there, we would not have had down time. She would have had every minute planned. I said that if she had been there, we probably would not have been in Alaska, because she would never have fished for a week and did not like the cold. I loved my time with my dad and brother, but I definitely felt the loss of missing part of my "first family" when we were all together. You don't forget the first 18 years of your life and not feel part of what's missing when you are all together.
So you see, there have been a lot of events this year that have reminded me even more of her than usual.
So 6 years.....it's coming up next week.
I think it's a nice coincidence that the Camp CARE 5K happens each year around this week. It's a good way for me to give back to her. I often think of that last year she was at camp and how sick she was, even though none of us knew. How she got up each day and took pictures of the kids she admired so much, all the while with more disease in her body than most of them at the time.
There are times that people question why I continue to do camp. With 3 kids that I'm home with most of the time, finding time to plan camp events is rare.There are days I stay up until midnight working on camp things I can't do during the day. I know Dan questions why I continue doing it. The house would probably be cleaner if I didnt. :) With child care costs on the days I work, I'm not really making money at it these days either.
And even though it sometimes takes away from time spent with my kids, I want them to see me doing something for other people. I want them to see why it's important to give back and to know that they are not the only kids in the world. That what I'm doing is a good thing. And it makes me feel connected to my mom, because volunteering at camp was one of the last things that she did for others. It was something that she absolutely loved, and helping kids with cancer is something I can do for her. I can't change the way cancer took her life, but I can help make things better for children with cancer instead. Watching kids experience something they might never get to do otherwise is worth it. The first few moments of camp when everyone in camp is singing together is indescribable. Seeing kids get on stage and dance despite what they are going through puts life in perspective. I want my kids to know about that. So that's why I keep doing it.
Today at church they played one of my favorite trio of songs together in one medley. It was "Beautiful" (the song mom's slide show is set to), It is well with my Soul (a traditional favorite) and Coldplay's "Fix You." I always think of her when they sing that combination and today was no different. The lines from "Fix You" that they played were these:
"Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
And I...
Will try to fix you."
I could not fix things for my mom when she was sick. And I'm okay with that. There are times I wish her story would have ended differently. This year has been one of those times for sure.
But I feel like I can learn from her story. Can learn from her.
A blogger that I follow and really love reading said in a post recently, said that when you love someone and lose them, you have to eventually lay down their life and pick up yours and live it.
I do believe I am doing that. And it was something my mom did well.
My mom surprised me sometimes by reminding me what was most important. Just at times when I thought she would get most upset. (because we do know that she DID have a temper). One of those times was when I lost her wedding veil after my wedding. I think of this often. I was devastated that I had lost something that was handmade and so important to her and yet she reminded me that it was just a "thing." That people are more important than things and that the memory of seeing me get married in it, was enough to last a lifetime. That the act of sharing it with me was what was most important. There are times that I am sad that the girls won't get to wear that veil now, but I try to remember that it's what we are doing with our lives that counts most, not the material things that we possess. It's about laying down what's been lost and living.
Anyway, I'm a little off track.
So 6 years.
My committment to my mom after 6 years is not to worry about the material things in life. To continue to give to others. To be there for people as much as I can. I can't be/do everything for everyone, and I feel guilty about that most of the time. But I'm doing what I can.
Sure would be nice if she were here though.
I'm hoping to start blogging a little more in the next few weeks. Here's to hoping....Stay tuned.
*As a side note, if you would like to give to Camp CARE for our 5K next week, it's not too late. It costs $500 to send one child to camp and this year we had almost 190 kids. Every bit counts. So if you'd like to make a donation, please let me know. Or you can give straight on the website-www.campcare.org....Just please mark that you are donating in memory of KIM WARREN for the 5K.
Look at our FB page and the videos that are up there and see what camp is all about. :) You won't regret it.
I remember that year at camp with your mom. My first year and it seems like yesterday. I was fortunate enough to spend some of that time with her. Very much enjoyed your blog this evening.
ReplyDeleteCousin Russ