5 Years

5 Years

This week has been crazy. Between the 4 of us, we have had over 12 doctors/dentists/chiropractor, etc... appts in the past 3 weeks. Dan had surgery on his shoulder on Wednesday and between getting up to help him in the middle of the night and Hope's "schedule" at night, I just haven not gotten a lot of sleep. Today....as I frantically threw all of our stuff in the car to head to one of our appointments, I felt a bit frantic, stressed, and frustrated. It was just one of those days.

Holl lightened the mood by asking to hear "Beat it" (yes, by Michael Jackson) which is his current favorite and so i relaxed a little as we sang and danced together in the car. And then....all of the sudden, because the songs were playing in alphabetical order on my iPod, the song "Beautiful Child" by Stevie Nicks began to play and Hollister (who loves a good slow song) said, "Ooooh, let's play this one Mommy." And so we did. 

And I felt the frustration of every day life begin to dissipate as the words rang out through the car and I remembered mom telling me to slow down, to not rush as much as she did in life. And I realized that part of my anxiety during this week was in anticipation of the big date looming ahead tomorrow. 5 years since she has been gone. 

5 years seems so long, and yet and sometimes it feels like she has been gone forever, because my life is so different now than it was 5 years ago, and then somedays, I still pick up the phone to call her before I realize that I can't. I have not let this date weigh me down too much. Honestly, there is so much going on in our lives right now, that's it's been easy to let it just creep up. 

But today, in the car as the words to that awesome song swept over me, I took a deep breathe and just let myself think of her for a few moments. That song was actually Shawn's lullaby. I can remember mom and her friend Audrie singing it together in the car, with Shawn sleeping in the backseat. It's one of those songs that makes you think about growing older and moving on. 

5 years...Is it really possible? 

So I sit here tonight, enjoying some chocolate and wine (dont worry...I know I'm pregnant, it's not a large glass) with her annual candle burning-because tomorrow will be busy with the Camp CARE 5K, and some good music playing. I've scrolled back through many of the journal entries on this page. It's hard to read the ones she wrote, because it makes her seem so close, I can hear her voice. Reading the posts from the few days before she died are also hard, it brings those 5 years so close, that it feels as though it was just yesterday. 

But they are all part of her journey, so I'm reflecting. 

I found the following entry that I wrote shortly after she died. Whenever I feel her slipping away from me, I can read through this and it brings her right back. And I know she's still such a part of me, when Hollister stops in the middle of his prayers to crawl off the bed, walk up to her picture of his "Sunny", kiss it, and say "And thank you God for my Sunny." (as he did tonight). I know she's still here. 5 years or not. 

So here's to you Mom......

Missing You....Loving you...


Amy


Here is a link to "Beautiful Child"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOV1YVtnEW4

My Mom:

My mom taught me to love books. I wound up loving them so much that she had to start taking them away when I would not clean my room.

For 5 years, my mom drove me 120 miles round trip-everyday after school so that I could train in gymnastics.

My mom took me to my first Stevie Nicks concert when I was seven.

She convinced my dad that I needed not 1, but 3 cats!

My mom taught me to waterski when I was five.

Her nicknames for me were "Amatha, Amelia and Punky"

She remained calm when I had a wreck the day I got my license.

She taught me to love God and helped me get ready for my baptism at age 16.

She loved my friends. They loved her. Sometimes they enjoyed going out with her more than me. (I tend to go to bed early)

She was fun and spirited. Always looking for an adventure. Once we lived in Houston and were "boarding" different gymnasts who wanted to train at Karolyis, she let us all dress up in her "hippie clothes" and took us to parade around the grocery store in them.

She attended ALL of my gymnastics meets in college. She was the surrogate mom for all of my teammates and made sure we had food when our coach wouldnt stop for any.

She never made me feel bad about living away from home. She always said she felt like I was not just a gift for she and my family, but one to be shared with the world.

She convinced me to stay in Charlotte when I wanted to move. I had already put in my resignation, and was coming home. Had she not done that, I would never have married Dan.

She said "Godspeed" every time I left to come home.

She loved to dance.

She loved to try new things.

She loved to hug tight.

She loved to sing.

She loved to read the bible.

On they day I was born, she told me (many times) that I grabbed onto her finger and wouldnt let go.

She painted my entire townhouse (my first big purchase) even though she was already sick and hadnt told me. She spent hours helping me decorate and unpack.

She volunteered to help me with the event I love the most. (Camp CARE).

She always called me at 7:20am on my birthday (the time I was born). This year, I woke up early but laid there in bed and watched she and my dad creep towards me and then jump up and down singing "Happy Birthday"

She never hung up without saying she loved me.

She was stubborn and determined.

She was always late

She had a quick temper, but...

She forgave easily.

The day before she died, she was agitated and didnt want us "messing with her". I was frustrated, and upset because I knew she needed our help. When everyone left the room, I laid my head on her bed and cried. Although she could not talk,and was in a coma-like state-she lifted her hand to rub my head.

She never gave up. She never lost hope.

She is- and will remain,

The biggest inspiration in my life.

Amy