So happy to see you.
You sure took your sweet time making an appearance..... 3 years of trying, 2 years of infertility medications, 1 1/2 years of accupuncture, 5 IUI's, the adoption of your sister....
And here you are-all on your own. No planning, no timing, no medications...... (though I do still give big props to my accupuncturist Adrienne, and some possibly some high doses of Vitamin D).
But really, it's just God.
He sure has a sense of humor, doesn't He?
This post is long overdue, but as I am beginning to realize, things like blog posts just don't happen as quickly when you have more than one child (and yet another on the way).
But this week, the fluttering began and there is no doubt that third baby is beginning to make it's mark on the world.
Everyone's big question has been, "When, in the adoption process did you find out you were pregnant?"
Seeing as how we never seem to do things simply around here, that is quite a story in itself.
From the beginning, Dan and I had discussed that if we "just happened" to get find out we were pregnant during the adoption process, how we would handle it would depend on where we were in the journey. If we were matched with a birthmother, then we would most certainly try to move forward, if not, we'd have to discuss. It didnt really matter, right? We'd tried for 3 years. Aside from that, I was completely sure that adoption was what God had planned for us. There were times that I would begin to doubt that we were on the right path, but I continued to hear this quiet voice say, "Stay the Course....Stay the Course..."
What's odd is that I should not have tested when I did. There was no indication that I was pregnant. It was WAY too early to test, and yet I knew. I just knew. Dan and I had taken Holl to The Great Wolf Lodge that weekend and we got back on Saturday, exhausted and spent. The boys decided to take a nap, and as I lay on the couch resting, I made a sudden decision to drive to CVS and buy a pregnancy test. We had just been matched with Hope's birth parents the Monday before and were due to sign our contract by the following Monday (2 days away). I remember thinking, "you better wait to take this test until after those papers are signed." And then I shook it off and went ahead and drove to the store.
After months and months of negative tests, I KNEW when I saw that faint line that it was positive. It was barely visible, but when you have seen hundreds of completely blank tests, you KNOW when there is something there. I woke Dan up immediately, and he told me I was crazy....that there was no line. He told me to re-test in a few days and then come talk to him. :) But I knew.....
So I tested again the next morning and again on Monday (the day we were due to sign the paperwork with the adoption agency). The line got darker and darker and the bloodwork on Monday confirmed that while (super) early, I was indeed pregnant. My doctor said to me, "You are 7 days from being "late." I wouldnt be telling anyone you were pregnant."
The choice was difficult. Did we call the adoption agency and tell them that I was pregnant so early? There were so many things to consider. We were so newly matched with G and L (Hope's birthparents) and didn't have a super strong relationship with them yet. What if they changed their mind and said they wanted to choose another family? What if I lost this baby? What if we waited to tell them, signed the papers, paid our upfront money and THEN they changed their minds? We would have been out a substantial amount. There were tears and prayers, and long conversations with those we trusted the most. We were overwhelmed at the thought of 2 babies in 7 months. We interpreted the scriptures we were both reading different ways. Technically, there was nothing on paper, so we could have backed out. I just kept coming back to something a friend of mine from our small group had told me regarding her adoption story years before..."I don't have anything, if I don't have my word!" For me, it all came down to the fact that we had committed to them. I could not pick up the phone and say, "Oops... sorry....we got pregnant. We don't want your baby anymore." For me, it was more than just having another baby, I had come to believe with every ounce of my being that we were supposed to adopt. In my heart, I had felt for months that I would get pregnant AFTER we adopted. That it wouldnt happen until we adopted. What I didn't plan on was God putting me in the position to make the choice to move forward in the few tiny days when there was no black or white. The only time that thing were gray. Go figure.....
In the end, we decided that we had to take a chance and tell G and L before we signed the paperwork. That was truly the only way to take the decision out of our hands and put it into Gods. If they decided they did not want us to take their baby, and we lost this one, then we would accept that it was His plan and move forward.
I honestly did not think I would stay pregnant. I wound up with 6 ultrasounds, 2 ER visits (spent the day after Hope was born in the Emergency room in Tacoma), and was restricted from doing much of anything during my first trimester. After 3 years, it seemed unbelievable that this baby would really ever be born. (It still seem surreal sometimes).
But G and L decided that they wanted us to take the baby anyway. And we moved forward.
Those next 2 months are a blur to me. Honestly, I was so sick....it was all I could do to get out of bed most days. I remember in Tacoma in the stressful days before Hope was born, Dan looking at me and saying, "You just seem like you have no emotion about any of this." And I didn't. Making it through an hour without throwing up and trying to stay excited about a new baby, while still keeping track of Hollister was tough. I always swore that if I was so lucky to get pregnant again, I would not complain about one pregnancy symptom. Famous last words.
Our dear friend Mica was with me those few days before Hope was born. We were stressed about whether G and L would go through with the adoption, the baby was taking forever to be born, our finances and budget were slowly dwindling, I was sick (did I mention that)...basically, it was miserable. Anyway, Mica walked me through those few days and she asked me at one point what my prayers to God were looking like. And I told her honestly that they sounded something like this.
"Whatever you want God. It's your world, I'm just living in it."
I know it sounds awful, but it's true. That's about all I could muster.
I read a book a few years back called "The Purpose Driven Life." In it, it talks about how mothers sometimes are hard on themselves for not having a structured time with God every day. It introduced the idea that perhaps while we are raising our young children, THAT is our time with God everyday. That the season we are in can be a testament everyday just in how we raise our children.
I thought about that so many times during the month we were in Tacoma. For someone who likes to control things, schedule things and always has a plan, I was (for the first time) TRULY at the mercy of God. And I didn't have the energy to fight it.
I'm not sure I've ever been closer and yet further to/from God. I was angry because I so wanted to enjoy the adoption experience AND my pregnancy and both were miserable. But it was a relief to really not have to make big decisions. And that felt good. Because for once, I felt what it meant to not DO ANYTHING for my salvation. To rely on the fact that my relationship with Him was there, even if I could not contribute much to it at the time. Even if my prayer was "WHATEVER!"
I could not control when Hope was born.
I could not control whether G and L would sign the papers.
I could not control the fact that the adoption was costing twice what we planned.
I could not control whether I stayed pregnant
I could not control how much energy I had each day.
I could not control how long Hope would go through withdrawal.
I could not control whether I made it back for camp or not.
After Hope was born and Dan and Hollister left to come home, I just wanted to press through each day and follow them home. I was resentful that we had to stay so long. My doctor gave me permission to walk from the parking lot each day to her room, but I could not do much else. For the first time, I truly felt what it would be like to be torn between devoting enough time to all of your children.
On the one hand, I had medical staff saying Hope would get better quicker and go home if I was there with her as much as possible (And this was obvious from the beginning). Then I had doctors saying I had a better chance at a successful pregnancy if I stayed in bed as much as possible. I was sleeping an average of 4-5 hours a day and felt guilty regardless of what I did. And not to mention the guilt I felt at being away from Hollister for a month. To me that felt like an eternity to be away from someone so connected to the soul of who I am and what makes me ME. And that was aside from not being with my husband or being in the thick of the one thing I spend all year planning for work-Camp. (which was just a few short weeks away). I felt like I was letting everyone down.
I was so torn and so alone. Thank goodness for friends who understood that I could not always respond, but still took the time to touch base daily and send little care packages. And for a medical team who truly listened to me and and to the needs of my family and helped to get me home as soon as possible. (Meg-You will always be my hero!)
It felt like I was not connecting to anyone or anything. I was distanced from everyone, and honestly, not bonding with Hope or the baby because I was so anxious to just get home (and feel better).
And then one day, as I sat holding Hope (as I did for 12-14 hours of each day), I realized that this was a precious time with both of my miracles. That while I was away from everyone else, God was giving me this time-with no one else but them. As Hope lay across my stomach and I thought about her future brother or sister underneath her, I began to truly feel grateful. And that evening, as I got off the elevator to our apartment and again opened the door to an empy room-I realized I was never truly alone, because this baby was with me all the time.
And for the first time, I realized that this was real. There were 2 of them. After 3 years of endless prayers, God had answered. And it might not have been my plan, and it might not have been fun. But in the end, He heard me and he didn't just bless me, he blessed me DOUBLE.
That's not to say that there hasn't been hard days since. Most days my house is a mess, I've only recently been cleared to start exercising again, so the weight I've gained has NOT made me happy. (that's what sitting in a rocking chair for 14 hours a day will do to you). I'm exhausted all the time, I've been bad about communicating with those around me, I've spent no quality time with Dan, or God for that matter. And just thinking about the year 2012 makes me tired....but as my book said so long ago, it's a season in my life. And I know God understands that I'm doing the best that I can right now. He planned this for me, so he most certainly knows how it will all end up.
He also knows if this baby is a boy or a girl. Something it hasn't been willing to share with us yet.
Obviously, this baby has it's own agenda. It has from day one.....
No comments:
Post a Comment